The Respect Dare

The Respect DareWe are commanded in the Bible to be respectful and submissive wives. But much of what I read and heard placed a woman in the role of a second-class citizen in her relationship with her husband. To honor God, surely I was not meant to give up the hopes and dreams I had and live out life as a diminished person! Much of the advice dealt with not correcting one’s husband or not disagreeing with him. When I applied this advice, it frustrated both of us. I found no formula for a happy marriage.

But when I learned that God, in the Bible, described wives with the exact same word as he used for the Holy Spirit, I started to understand what God intended for his daughters who choose marriage. When I realized that God has given us all a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline—and not one of timidity (1 Timothy 1:7)—I started experiencing the privilege of being a wife, as opposed to the drudgery of being one.

I wanted to do something for the many women who loved God as I did and wanted to serve him, yet struggled with his biblical instructions for wives. I wanted to empower them in their relationships. I sensed that the fifteen years I had spent training other trainers and delivering training myself utilizing the most successful life-changing methods available were all for this purpose. I quit my job, and Daughters of Sarah was born.

From The Respect Dare, copyright ©2012 by Nina Roesner. Published by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission, all rights reserved.

Give It 40 Days. We Dare You.

The Respect DareExperience the intimacy God intended and discover what He can do in your heart and in your marriage when you choose to show respect His way. Nina Roesner has led countless women through this practical and life-changing journey, and in The Respect Dare she offers you the hope that so many others have found. Day by day, true stories and thought-provoking questions will help you apply biblical wisdom to the most important relationship in your life. Order The Respect Dare here.

Win an Autographed Copy

We have 5 copies of The Respect Dare that have been signed by author Nina Roesner. Would you like one? Enter below for a chance to win. Entry Deadline is next Wednesday at midnight CT.

Kelly N. from Newell, PA

Cindy A. from Indianapolis, IA

Andrea D. from Lincolin, NE

DeDe K. from Glendale, AZ

Sara Z. from Holmen, WI

Would You Like to Chat with The Respect Dare Author Nina Roesner?

We’re thinking of hosting a video chat for a few small groups…would you be interested in being part of a group? We’ll be using “Google Hangout,” which allows 8 people (plus Nina) to get together online. (See system requirements for Google Hangout here.) If you’d like to be part of the conversation, fill out a short interest form here. Let us know by January 22nd.


  1. 2 years ago
    Katy says

    Congratulations to the 5 ladies that won this book. Praying that your journey through The Respect Dare takes you along new paths and brings you to a beautiful place with our Father God (and your dear husband).

  2. 2 years ago
    Michelle says

    Would love to read this!

  3. 2 years ago
    Mandi says

    I think there is this belief that as women we must control everything in our households. The less control we feel we have, the more forceful we get; that by holding on more tightly to what we think is our assertive edge, we’re going to get somewhere – and we do. We drive ourselves and everyone around us into a fearful, neurotic state and we start the endless rounds of squabbles that come about when you feel like you can’t relax . Codependency loves this equation. I am needed, because you can’t do it as well as I can and to prove it, I will correct you until you are afraid to try – oh nevermind I’ll just do it myself. Then we wonder why we’re burnt out, exhausted and staring at our families across a rift we can’t bridge.

    But we’re equal partners… actually you’re not. You’re killing yourself trying to come up to this imaginary level you’ve put the other person on and when they aren’t that person or you can’t get done what you feel that person should want of you – not necessarily what they really want from you, then they are to blame because you’re equals. Team members.

    Even our parenting style is affected. Parenting becomes the actions of disciplining and trying to manage crisis rather than moving together as a team. Compliance is achieved through fear of being seen as being a problem rather than a desire to achieve.

    Bringing respect into your relationship eases this because the foundation that is even deeper than respect is trust. When I am at my most disrespectful, I am at my least trusting, most controlling and have generally decided the world is an out of order place that I must subdue through my will and my team member should be doing what I feel needs done to make up his “50%”

    In this state, the thought of giving over control and responsibility to another person who doesn’t do it your way is terrifying.

    I find that when I’m feeling the most disrespectful, if I can hold on for five minutes, ten minutes, TWO MINUTES MORE without coming undone and saying hurtful things that alienate the person who cold help me, even if it’s not the help I would have given myself restores my feelings of self control and my self esteem when I can see the appreciation in my spouses eyes. I can feel good that I am letting him love me and it’s worth having to wash a couple extra towels or remake a bed that’s been jumped on because dad and the kids roughhoused or tracked dirt.

    There is definitely a mental switch that has to be deliberately and methodically developed and flipped. A place where you change your goals from clearing your desk and finishing your to do list in the name of creating a perfect paradise, to realizing that if no one can live in it without ruining it, it isn’t paradise. I can pick up the living room one more time if it makes everyone feel like being in the living room together.

    • 2 years ago
      Margaret Harrel says

      Wow Mandi- Such good insight. Thank you for sharing all that. I’m going to copy that, and print it off and reread it frequently. I can so relate to so many of the misguided thinking. Blessings!

  4. 2 years ago
    Lorien says

    Just got the book yesterday…can not wait to start reading it! Thank you for writing this book.

  5. 2 years ago
    Melanie Bleem says

    So thankful for this book. God knows our need and He knew I need to change my course. Thank you!

  6. 2 years ago
    Kelly S says

    Blessings to you and your family. I’m so glad you wrote this book I look forward to reading it.

    • Kelly –
      Thank you.
      I’ve had a rough couple of days. I really appreciate the wish for blessings – I confess, sometimes part of me cringes and wants to cry when I read the Amazon reviews – there’s obviously people who just don’t get it. The book is NOT about dealing with your husband’s sin, or major marital conflict, but rather just a simple way of connecting women to God through obeying the “respect” command. And yes, sometimes (actually OFTEN, but not always – that’s why I blog… :) ) the marriage improves.
      Love to you, and thank you for your blessing today. It meant a lot.

  7. 2 years ago
    Shawna says

    This sounds like such a great book!
    I waited 21 years to start dating, I was completely convinced that I wanted to stay single, but God brought a man into my life and started breaking down the walls of being too comfortable where I was. Since dating this guy, I’ve been more challenged in my walk with God than I have in a long time! He’s a true blessing to me. =) We are in pre-marital counseling and are working on getting engaged and married!
    I’m totally interested in this book because I’ve struggled a lot with respect. I came from the same concept, that people had to earn respect to get it from me. Which is why this book sounds fabulous! =)

    • S0 glad you are here, Shawna!
      I love that you and your boyfriend are working on marriage before marriage. :) Jim and I went to a Family Life conference before we were married – and then did 3 more after that! Keep investing. It’s worth it.
      Love to you,

  8. I prayed as I read all the comments and each one was just how I felt. It is great to know I am not alone. I praise god you wrote a book to help me and I guess many other women. I look forward to reading it. God’s grace, peace, light, and love

    • Doreen -
      Your prayers are precious and much appreciated, even if the women don’t know. God knows. What a lovely spirit you have to petition Him for them. We are all on a journey, aren’t we?
      Love to you,

  9. 2 years ago
    Brenda says

    Your daughter will be in my prayers. This is not what the Lord intended marriage to be.

  10. 2 years ago
    Deb says

    I’ve been married for 32 years and respect my husband with all my heart and soul and he also to me, so I’m finding it difficult that our oldest daughter is in an abusive marriage and doesn’t realize that this isn’t what God wants for her, she’s believing all the lies that she’s causing it by not being the submissive wife her husband demands, the sleeping on the floor beside his bed, no land line phone or cell phone for her, he has one, she’s not allowed to have family or friends over when he’s not there, extremely strict budget given to her and yet he wants to eat gourmet and he beats her when she doesn’t ‘obey’. So looking forward to getting this book to read and give to her and discuss together. Thank you.

    • Deb -
      OH MY WORD.
      And this is totally the wrong book for her right now, in my humble opinion.
      BOLD LOVE by Dan Allendar, “Have a New Husband by Friday,” by Dr. Kevin Leman, and have her check out and this section on abuse: bottom line, I am inclined to encourage her to take Matthew 18 action NOW. But she needs to pray and listen to God first. PRAYING. For both of you, and Him. For God’s intervention and soon.
      Love to you,

      • The truth is, Deb, is this man is SINNING against your daughter. He is not to be harsh with her (1 Peter 3:7), and he is to love her (Ephesians 5:33). Matthew 18 is for confronting someone’s sin.
        I am so sorry you and she are suffering this. Your mother’s heart must be shattered at what you know.

  11. 2 years ago
    Cristi Paton says

    This book sounds like exactly what I need. I try to be respectful but feel I miss the mark daily.
    I would love some concrete instructions.

    • Cristi -
      SO glad you are here! Join us on the blog and facebook for more daily good stuff. :)
      Love to you,

  12. 2 years ago
    Rhonda says

    I have been selected as our churches new lady’s group leader… I have been searching for a new idea for our ladies group bible study and I would love to present The respect Dare to them…. I think it is new and refreshing and they would love it and it would be the perfect study to begin our ladies group with…. I would love to in an autographed copy of this…. Thank you for sharing it with us… God bless

    • Rhonda -
      It is fabulous what God does through the book – be sure to contact us through the blog and facebook for more resources – it is a HARD journey, but one worth taking. Send me an email at information(at) and I will email the small group guide to you.
      Love to you, baby!

  13. 2 years ago
    Margaret Harrel says

    This sounds like a book I need to read. Growing up in a non-christian home, Dad was an alcoholic, and Mom was in charge. I think God lead me here for a reason.

  14. 2 years ago
    Gladys says

    Thank You Nina i really appreciate that love to you also.

  15. Piper -
    I am praying you see your way through this current challenge. His wisdom is there for all of us! You might find today’s blog entry especially relevant, (or maybe not) but it’s one woman’s story. . Glad you are here! :)
    Love to you,

  16. Whoa… God has been showing me my lack of respect for my husband. I love him dearly, but I do not respect him in the way that the Lord says I MUST. In the midst of a challenge right now….. but will seek the Lord in taking this dare!

  17. 2 years ago
    Linda Schutte says

    So true! Jesus must be the apex of every marriage for it to succeed. He must be at the head.

    • Linda -
      YES. Oh, my heavens, yes. And unfortunately, too many marriages are out of “balance” in each person’s relationship with Christ – and yes, women can positively impact this, but not without a foundation of love and respect between both. YOU are absolutely right – and I love that you used the word, “apex.” He is everything.
      Love to you,

  18. 2 years ago
    Gladys says

    I am really interested in getting this book. I am engaged and soon to be married, I would like to prepare myself ahead of time. Thank you. :)

    • SO excited for you, Gladys!! Skip the physical intimacy stuff, but yes, you will benefit from many other women’s experiences through the book!
      Glad you are here!
      Love to you,

  19. 2 years ago
    Allie says

    I’m a newlywed, and miserable. Can I do the Respect Dare if I’m having trust and intimacy issues with my husband? He sleeps on the couch most nights. We’ve shared a bed less than 20 times in 7 months, both physically and sexually. That’s pathetic, and heartbreaking. Even as a bachelor he’s always preferred sleeping on the couch. He also has a history of lying to me about ex-girlfriends who contact him, and I’m constantly questioning it. He’s made a lot of strides to cut all ties with them, but at holidays, some bimbo from his past always appears via a text message. He doesn’t reply but sometimes lies that he even received the text, when I can see it on the cell phone bill and ask about it. I prayed my whole life that I only wanted to get married once, to the man God had for me, and waited until my mid-40′s to get married for the first time. We are both Christians raised in alcoholic homes. We are aware how that affects us, but its a much more combative life than I anticipated. I feel disappointed, lied to, unwanted. Our fights border verbal abuse, and sometimes I wish I didn’t get married. I never expected to feel any of these things. So, I’m having a really hard time respecting someone who sleeps in another room, isn’t very interested in sex, tells little white lies, and says horrible things in fights. He says he loves me and hates fighting, but since getting married, we’ve fought more than gotten along.

    • Oh, Allie.
      You are right. This is heartbreaking and tragic. But YES, dear, sweet, sister, YES, you can and should do the Respect Dare – regardless of the issues. May I also recommend something to you to do at the same time? Dr. Kevin Leman has a book, “Have a New Husband by Friday.” He spends a lot of time up talk talking about how important respect is to a man, and then talks about how to impact him after you’ve respected him – to get that “new” man. If you do the HOW of respect with “The Respect Dare,” first, and then follow up with HANHbF, you may see some positive change. PLEASE join us on the blog and the facebook page – you are NOT alone and we want to walk with you as you journey.
      Love to you,

  20. 2 years ago
    Sue says

    I am so lookng forward to reading this book. My marriage has been hard and now we are both working on saving it.

    • Sue – AWESOME! Might I also recommend that if your husband is willing, that he do “The Love Dare” while you do “The Respect Dare” ? We’ve seen GOBS of positive change in couples who are both pursuing improvement using both books. :)
      Love to you!

  21. Mac –
    I think you are tremendously brave, and we are privileged to pray for you and your wife.

    I was interviewed by three pastors on “The Techology Show,” a radio show about theology, and we had some interesting discussions about men and marriage. You might find some of that helfpul:

    I also wrote an article about how a husband can show love to his wife, but before starting the 101 ways, I suggest just asking her. She might be totally surprised. If she decides to do “The Respect Dare,” we highly recommend that you do “The Love Dare,” at the same time – you may have already done this, and may be fine in this regard, so forgive me if I’m overstepping. We find that most women do not feel loved in their marriages – and not because their husband’s don’t love them, but rather they don’t speak the language their wife speaks. Asking her what she needs from you daily (and it really IS nearly daily, unfortunately :) ) is a great way to woo her the way the Father woos us back to Him. :)

    I join you in praising the Lord in what He has done in your life – and can’t wait to hear what else happens!

    Here’s “the list” –

    Blessings to you, sir!

    • 2 years ago
      Mac says

      Thanks for responding and It feels good to know that there are fellow christian sisters out there. It’s a long story, but only through the grace and mercy of God that we are still together. I have done the five love languages, attempted to do the love dare, reading power of a praying husband, and the power of a praying wife sits on her nightstand untouched. We went to the Festivals of Marriage conference in North Carolina (which was a miracle in itself), did christian counseling but we stopped because the counselor was using biblical marriage principals so she felt like he was always taking my side. She professes to be a christian and we go to church every Sunday. I have had to back way off because she felt like I was judging her. I am left with only the possibility that the Holy Spirit can touch her heart and transform her life. I know I can’t win the battle with my own will alone. I have faith that God has a plan. I have accepted that even if she can’t tell me she loves me in this life, then I’ll have to wait for the next. It’s hard, but I just have to rely on his love to fill the hole that is left. Sorry that I’m using this thread for this, but I know this group of women can pray powerful prayers!

      • Mac -
        You are wise, indeed. And don’t feel bad at all – we are privileged to pray for you, and our ministry staff of over 75 people is on their knees on your behalf.

        Stay focused on what God has for YOU – keep your eyes off of her and on Jesus. In that way you will avoid the sin of judgment. Give it at least a year of deeply ingrained godly heart changed behavior for you, then I highly recommend reading Michelle Weiner-Davis’ “Divorce Remedy” – it gives 7 steps that can turn things around. Your wife has her own journey, but you can’t force her to take it. And God has learning for you, in the mean time, so don’t waste the opportunity.
        In His Great Love for you, blessings to you, sir!

  22. 2 years ago
    Mac says

    I need help from all the Godly women out there. It brought tears to my eyes in the promo video for this book because I long for God to deliver to me a wife that is after His own heart. We have been married for 18 years, and have 3 children. I learned the hard way what can happen when I neglected my responsibility and duty of leadership. God rebuked me and turned me into a new man. Through much pain, he has reformed me into a man that is finally ready to be the spiritual leader of my home. I so much desire my “helpmate” to be there with me!! I ask for your prayers that God can ignite the desire for His love in my wife.

  23. 2 years ago
    Cynthia says

    I NEED this book. I am strong willed, opinionated woman. Extremely dominate and tend to run over the top of the people I love. I NEED this book more than anything because these strong willed characteristics are rubbing off on my oldest daughgter and her lack of respect for her father is driving a spike between us. You see we are raising my nieces and nephew and have for the past thirteen years. But my lack of repsect for my husband is relfected back in her. I see these same traits in my own mom and how she treats my father. I need to learn to be the wife my husband deserves and God has planned.

    • Cynthia -
      I know, right? :) ME TOO. I totally get this – and when that strength gets focused in the right direction, look out! :) Wise of you to connect the dots with your daughter – and you CAN make an impact with her and your family. SO glad you are here!
      Love to you,

  24. When my husband rocked my world by asking if I wanted a divorce, it really opened my eyes. He didn’t want to split, there was no one else, but he said “I prayed, and I feel like God just wanted me to leave it all up to you. I’m fine with whatever you decide.” Now, we’d been together for more than 20 years, he’s the only man I’ve ever dated, the only man I ever wanted to date. I knew the minute I met him that someday we’d get married. But over the 20+ years I’d stopped doing the things that I did when we first met. I wasn’t paying much attention to him, even when we were together I was texting my friends and checking email and facebook. I didn’t think he cared because all we really ever do is watch TV, but until I got texting (and friends) we watched it together.
    Devastated that the love of my life was telling me we could split up (and more devastated that I was considering it) I called my best friend and she told me that I couldn’t leave him. And that it really was mostly my fault (some best friend :) ) but she was exactly right. what she told me was that I wasn’t showing him the respect he needed and that respect to him might look different than it does to me. To him, it was about making him the center of my attention when we’re together and really not much more than that. He didn’t need me to fawn all over him or serve him dinner on a sliver platter, he just wanted me to focus on him rather than anything else – something I used to do until recently. He was partially jealous, but mostly just felt disrespected.
    I’m happy to say that I changed – it really was no effort because I love this guy more than anyone so I wanted to make him happy. I’m still working on trying to find out exactly what I can do to show him more respect.
    Out of the conversation my friend and I had I started thinking about housewives of years gone by – the June Cleaver types that are so disdained in modern society. What I realized is that those women weren’t slaves, they weren’t servants, they were simply respecting their husbands. My husband does everything for me and asks very little in return and I’ve taken that for granted for far too long.
    There are so many different ways to show it, and since times have changed, a lot of the methods have too. But I so agree with the principle that respect is everything especially to a man. I saw an immediate change in my relationship after my eyes were opened. I’d love to read your book and your take on the whole thing.

    • Susie -
      What a great story! I love it that you said, “There are so many different ways to show it,” because there are about as many ways as there are men and women! Congratulations on putting your marriage back together, and I so appreciate all that you said. Glad you are here!
      Love to you,

  25. Shelli – would love to have you, but skip the intimacy dares! :) YES, keep your chastity – he needs to marry you, girlfriend. Stand firm. But yes, he also needs respect and if you are interested in marriage, engaged, then the book is stellar. :)
    Love to you, baby!

  26. Can you do this dare without being married?? I am a single mom and have been dating an amazing man for sometime now. Three years ago I committed to being chaste until I married. I have a feeling that it is starting to weigh on him, which in turn is taking a toll on me. I want him to feel respected and know that I am committed to him. It’s very hard to find a man (especially in his thirties) that is willing to take on this vow with me. Could this help strengthen or relationship or is there something else that you could recommend? Thanks :)

  27. 2 years ago
    Clovia says

    Karen, God Bless You! I have been married for 42 years. Always looking for Gods words and tools to keep him as the center of our Marriage. I would love to win this book, and if not I will purchase one, becasue I would love to see what God will do in 40 days If I obey and live by his words.

    • It’s a tough journey, but one worth doing. I admire you so much, Clovia, for being married for so long and STILL having a teachable spirit! You do a great job setting an example for others when you are willing to share your knowledge and keep growing yourself. We never arrive this side of heaven, do we? :) Prayers and hugs your direction, lovely!

  28. 2 years ago
    Pamela McCurdy says

    I have struggled for years with the idea of respect……I look forward to reading this book and getting insight into God’s way to view those around me. Thank you!

    • Haven’t we all, Pamela!!
      So glad you are here! Our culture has done a pretty good job of making a simple topic excruciatingly complicated. Hope you will join our communities on facebook and the blog!
      Love to you,

  29. God’s been telling me to respect my husband, and I have been so incredibly stubborn and selfish about it. I have whined and cried… “But he….” I disguised my own pride and self-righteousness with every flaw, mistake, and disappointing action my husband made. When I realized that my inability to respect my husband was a characterstic that revealed my inability to respect God and trust God with obedience like that may lead to my feelings getting hurt. I had to surrender all that. Respecting our husbands is not about creating an egomaniac. It is about surrendering to the lordship of Jesus Christ. That’s where it’s at. It all boils down to the Wife & Jesus.

    I wrote about when I Quit the Respect Dare here and learned this lesson.

    • I LOVE THIS! And it IS hard – but work worth doing! We MUST be women of strength and dignity. Well done, lovely, for persevering!
      Love to you,

  30. 2 years ago
    Jennifer Klemple says

    I would love to win. I know I can always do better in respecting my wonderful husband.
    He craves respect, like all men.

  31. 2 years ago
    Sherrie says

    I have a very hard time understanding the difference in my role as being a wife and living my life truely and happy as I want. But then living it as the bible says a wife should. Please enter me into the drawing. I would love to explore someone elses differences and maybe I could walk that path as well.

    Thank you

    • Sherrie -
      I am so glad you are here! I hope you will join our community on facebook and the blog – and I can totally relate to understanding your role as a wife and being an individual with a purpose. We believe that Scripture teaches ALL of us to follow Christ – reading the Bible, obeying His Word, praying (listening and speaking with God) and worshiping in the midst of the many moments of a day. There are many messages out there – and while I fully believe that the Bible says husbands and wives are to “become as one,” the truth is He created us differently, and if we do not cultivate our relationship with God, ourselves and others well, we will not be equipped to live up to the purpose He calls us to.

      It has been popular in recent years to teach one of two extremes – separatism from our husbands such that we have a spiritual life that does not include him at all, (which we do not subscribe to, btw) and extreme servitude, such that we are our husband’s “shadow” so we can be his “crown.” We do not subscribe to either, as neither one is fully Biblical.

      I wrote a blog post about this very thing that might share with you how we have boiled this down: and .

      Blessings to you, lovely!

  32. 2 years ago
    Karen says

    After 31 years of a mentally abusive marriage with an alcoholic which ended in divorce, I am looking forward to reading this book and finding the person God has meant for me.

    • Karen, I am so sorry to hear this. Your marriage was a difficult place… prayers for you and the new journey you are on. Can I gently, lovingly, ever-so-softly suggest that you spend time just remembering how precious you are to our Father? He loves you so much, and while your marriage was hard, He still has a plan for you. ((((hugs)))) and His love to you, dear sister. :) You are a treasure to Him.

  33. 2 years ago
    Marjorie Roets says

    To have respect from your husband and children is a great love. God is good and gives us the opportunity to be his most loved child. He is always there for me. I try to be always there for him. My husband and I have been married 43 and 1/2 years. My biggest challenge is to know when to back off. That is when I pray. I would love to read about the dare. Blessings

  34. This sounds like such a helpful resource in understanding a woman’s God given place in marriage. I would love to win one.

  35. 2 years ago
    Nicole says

    If I win thia book, I am hoping for a change in myself. How to manage my life better and be a better parent. I WANT to experience the intamcy with God, and maybe all wishful thinking but I really am hoping to be taught some RESPECT for m
    yself! #Thats All#

  36. 2 years ago
    Heather says

    Ive been greatly wanting to read/complete this dare! Sure it would be exceptionally helpful in my marriage & relationships with others to include my boys.

    • Heather – YES YES YES!! Boys are deeply impacted by the book – something I didn’t know until others told me! Around age 10/11/12, they start needing respect from mom – mine are 17 and 14 now, and it’s made a HUGE difference! Glad you are here!
      Love to you,

  37. I would love to read The Respect Dare and take the challenge. I would also like to share with our women’s ministry.

    Thank you for creating such great resources that help us become strong women of faith!

    • Please email us Danialy at and we’ll send you a small group guide pdf. And for what it is worth, God created it – I don’t take credit nor responsibility for what He’s done or about to do! :)
      Love to you,

  38. 2 years ago
    connie rapp says

    I would love the book to share with my bible study and church groups. My first marriage was abusive, menally and after 21 years of marriage, i ended it , I couldnt take it anymore.

    • Connie – SO sorry for what you have been through. Prayers for you today, lovely.

  39. 2 years ago
    Jolyn says

    I love how God works! As the New Year was approaching, my friend gave me an article to read that was posted in Guideposts January edition 2012 as the cover story written by Debbie Macomber. In her article, My Spiritual Vocabulary, Debbie discusses how each year she chooses one word to focus on and live by. She describes how these words have comforted her, challenged her, changed her, and brought her closer to God. She describes a few of her “word journeys” over the years with words such as Hunger, Trust, Brokenness, Prayer, and Hope. Anyhow, she challenges us to choose and concentrate on just 1 word, make it part of your devotionals, include it in prayers, journals, scripture readings…and see how it permeates your life and how God has blessed you and guides you….one word at a time. SO….on New Year’s Eve I chose my word for the New Year…..took only a few minutes of being “Still” for God to reveal mine to me….SUBMIT! What a great adjunct The Respect Dare would be to me…hope I win.

  40. 2 years ago
    Kim Asbrock says

    I know that I need to show respect to my husband, and I’ve read books and listened to men talk about how important it is for them, but I struggle on “how”. I just cant seem to be able to get it across to my husband. Help!

    • Kim -
      It is definitely the “how.” :) So glad you are here! And if you haven’t asked him what he finds communicates respect most to him – do. And then start with that! :)
      Love to you,

  41. 2 years ago
    Sharon says

    we need some new ideas for our Women’s Ministries group, this book would help all of us. We have women in all age groups and studying this would indeed provoke some good ideas. I am 67 and am very close to my grandaughters and daughters I am hoping that we can come to a shared idea of how God wants all women to help make families stronger.

    • Sharon – stellar! We have had widows “do the book” and meet with God in a new way, which I find mindblowing, given that it was written for married women. :) Please email me at and we’ll email you a PDF for the Small Group Leader’s Guide for it.
      Love to you,

  42. Barb says
    I have been married for many years and have struggled with self esteem issues, but for the last 10 years my husband has had issue due to Erection Disorder due to a Chronic illness. I am lonely and feel very rejected. He just won’t discuss help for us and says the Intimacy I am lacking I just have to deal with it. It is just the way it is. He is angry and very critical most of the time. He refuses to touch me or talk about it. I am very lonely and frustrated. I think this book would give me insight to being loving and respectful to my husband. I look forward to reading and receiving this book. I know that in Romans 8:28 it says that We know that God causes all things to work together for good for those who are called according to His purpose.
    Why does he treat me different at home than in public. I really resent his praises when at home he treats me like I don’t even exist.

    Again I think this book will help with God’s help.

    • 2 years ago
      Nena Roberts says

      Barb, erectile dysfunction will cause a man to have esteem issues. If he refuses to touch you, have you tried to touch him? Make him feel loved? Make him feel desirable? Allow God to use you in helping your husband instead of focusing on your own esteem issues. By focusing on and praying for your husband and allowing God to change him, he may allow changes in his life.

    • Barb –
      I am so sorry to hear of your suffering. This is a difficult issue for many marriages. Yes, God may change your husband this side of heaven, and no, it probably won’t be fun to walk through for either of you, but in the middle, if you just keep clinging, God will give you the strength you need to do the next thing. When you are able to see your husband the way God does, the resentment will lift from you.
      Love to you, dearheart. Don’t give up. There’s learning for you in the middle of this, also.

  43. 2 years ago
    Christy Podolski says

    I look forward to reading it & applying it to my life and marriage. I just ordered a copy for myself and am anticipating that this will be something I can share with friends and ladies at our church. Our society, and lies from the enemy through it, has dragged marriage so far away from God’s plan for it and my heart’s desire is for my life to reflect God’s plan for me completely through His will. Excited to experience a deeper level of initimacy with God and my hubby of nearly 20 years!

    • Stellar. And we totally agree!! Join us on the blog and facebook – we’d love to interact with you more! :)

  44. 2 years ago
    Dawn says

    After growing up in a home where my mother did not respect my father, it was a HUGE “ah-ha” moment for me a few years ago when I read about the duties of a Christian mother and one of those, teaching my children to respect their father. What a great book topic and something I wish I had 20 years ago!

    • ME TOO. Can so relate! Wish I couldn’t, but I had to learn everything the hard way!
      Glad you are here!

  45. Can’t wait to read it!

  46. I so want to be a biblical wife and mother but I struggle. I struggle with my personal wants and “needs” that conflict with my husbands and I tend to be somewhat opinionated so instead of voicing my opinion, I tend to become submissive (and sometimes angry) or unbiblical. I also have very strong willed teenagers who love to challenge me, which they do, constantly. So I struggle, pray, repent and try again. I know that God’s design for love, marriage and family is the best and regardless of how anyone else acts, I am to be a biblical wife and mother. I look forward to your book and taking the respect dare! With God, All things are possible.

    • Oh, Ellie – I know, right? :) Welcome to the Christian walk – struggle, pray, repent, and try again! :) Think back to more than a decade ago – how much you have grown since then!! Do not forget that your walk brings delight to our Father, even when you (and I!!) stumble. There is no call for perfection, but rather for perseverance. LOVE that you are here, baby!
      His Great Love to you,

  47. 2 years ago
    Brenda says

    How can I possibly respect a man that would pleasure himself while lying next to me when he thinks I am sleeping? On top of that, this happened a week after I have surgery and my leg was in a cast. His response to my confronting him about this, “I wouldn’t have to do it if I had a wife that would let me touch her.” Seriously, isn’t there grounds for divorce in there somewhere?

    • 2 years ago
      Amonite says

      No. God made man and wife to desire each other. [He also commanded the two not to deprive each other of sex. You don't have to when you are sick, recovering, or don't feel like it - but that doesn't mean you can avoid it for long periods or blame your husband for desiring you either. Your body is his and his body is yours! Don't steal from him!]. He’s not dirty or immoral for wanting to have sex with his wife. It also is quite probably that your husband is not referring to sex, but intimacy in general. Even if your leg is in a cast, the phrase “let me touch her” probably means he is missing a tactile connection. Holding hands, brushing hair, kissing, snuggling, cuddling, a touch on the arm, etc – many things can be done that reaffirm a physical bond even if you are indisposed.

      • 2 years ago
        Nena Roberts says

        Brenda, unless he is abusing you sexually that is not grounds for divorce. Better he pleasure himself in your bed than another woman’s.

        • 2 years ago
          Brenda says

          I respectfully disagree. It is humiliating, disrespectful and biblically sexual immoral. I have been in the position of there being another woman in my life and sexually abused as a child. The feeling inside me doesn’t feel any different. I am not enough, less than a woman, incomplete. Perhaps it would be better to sit back and imagine yourself in these situations before responding.

          I do apologize to anyone who was offended by my remarks. It has been a rough few months.

          • 2 years ago
            Nena Roberts says

            Oh Brenda, I’m so sorry, so very sorry, I understand now that you’ve given more information. I will commit to praying specifically for you. And I don’t just say that. I really will. ((((((hugz))))))

        • 2 years ago
          Brenda says


          Your last message didn’t have a reply button with it so I am trying through this one. I hope you get it. Your apology is accepted and I appreciate your prayers very much. I know my original outburst was very schetchy and anger filled. When a situation like this one arises the past seems to raise its evil head before I am even aware.

          I don’t know if we will make it through this one or not. It always seems to be something. I have been talking with him about consequences and the difference between unconditional love and unconditional relationship. I want to do whatever God has for me. I just need to know for sure what that is. I would be thrilled if my husband would turn his life over to God, but he has made it clear that he won’t. Perhaps divorce isn’t right, but maybe stepping away from this situation would be good. I am taking time in prayer to gain perspective. Thank you again for your prayers.

      • 2 years ago
        Brenda says

        My husband was not deprived of sex until I was in a cast and inable. His sexual immorality started many years ago, I just ignored it until now. He is verbally abusive on a normal basis. He has been angry the past 3 days because I said I would prefer to make my own lunch. He always told the kids that we had an 18 and out rule. Every holiday he finds someone to get angry with and spends the remainder of the day shut off in the bedroom. When I say anything about any or these things his response is He is the way he is and not changing for anyone. I now have Multiple Sclerosis and have many health issues. Heaven forbig that I should just want to be held. That is not possible without sex. Yesterday I had tests due to a lump in my breast. There was noone to human that I could go to for comfort. I always pray and ask God for his loving arms around me. I also have human needs. With all due respect, when he said what he said–he meant sex.

        • Brenda, I am so sorry for your suffering. I am praying for your health and your relationship with our God – He is drawing you near to Him, and you will find comfort there. Might I recommend Sarah Young’s “Jesus Calling,” to you? Know your husband is sinning against you, but often times we are never more like Christ Himself than when we are loving those who don’t deserve it. Whether or not God wants you to address these issues will become clear to you in the coming weeks. I hope you’ll join us on the blog. You seem very alone right now, and our community would love to comfort you.
          (((hugs))) and love to you sister!

  48. I am starting a Married Couples ministry at my church. This book could not only serve to fuel me in my own fragile marriage, but a group of God’s children as I joyfully serve Him in what is most sacred on earth – the marriages He gave us.

    • If you email me at, we will send you a small group guide PDF that you can use with your small group. We HIGHLY recommend the men do “The Love Dare” while the wives do “The Respect Dare.” Also know that we offer prayer support on our website and are available to answer questions if you have them via our facebook page:
      Love to you,

  49. 2 years ago
    Laura says

    I already love this book

  50. 2 years ago
    Donna says

    My husband had an affair and even though it is over and he is trying to rebuild the relationship, i am having a hard time loving and respecting him. I stayed in the marriage, because i think that is God’s command to committ for better or worse. But i feel dead inside. i am going thru the motions and saying and doing what i am suppose to and I want to love him again, i just can’t seem to get there. I hope this book helps.

    • 2 years ago
      Donna Twilla says

      From one Donna to another: :)

      My heart goes out to you. Though I have not experienced the pain you have, I too have struggled with feeling love towards my husband. The enemy loves to torment our mind with thoughts that breed resentment and bitterness.
      My advice to you is two fold —
      1) When negative thoughts about your husband come in, immediately speak out the opposite, even if it is not true at the moment. (speak those things that are not as though they are).
      Do not allow yourself to think the hurtful thoughts (Cast down vain imaginations and every high thing that exalts itself against God, bring all thoughts into captivity to the obedience of Christ)

      2) Ask Jesus to restore love in your heart for your husband. Ask Jesus to show you your husband the way He sees him, through His eyes, and to love him with His heart.

      If you are sticking by him out of duty, that is worth something, you might as well get healing and love back, but only Jesus can do that. I just prayed for you, I too hope to learn something from the respect dare.
      God Bless,
      Donna T

      • 2 years ago
        Donna says

        Thank you for kind words and Godly advise!

    • Donna – So sorry you have suffered this… Praying God meets you in a way that builds you up. You might find encouragement on our blog, particularly this page:
      Love to you, beautiful. He holds your tears as precious to Him. Not one of them has been spilled.

  51. 2 years ago
    Amonite says

    To submit means to willingly place yourself under someone else’s authority. There is nothing diminishing about aligning oneself as a helpmeet with your husband. It’s like how meekness is strength under control, like the training of a war horse. The war horse is strong, can even kill – but it yields to the orders of the soldier. As some lexicons put it, meekness is a balance of ‘excercising power and avoiding harshness’.

    The largest problem in most marraiges is the concept of “I”. When two people marry, they become one. There is no more “my hopes and dreams”. There is “our hopes and dreams”. The two are yoked together, now plowing the same path. The idea of “my personal dreams” has derailed many marraiges, as one or both will start acting seperately from the marraige to persue their goals, and resenting the other for not offering support [which they see as non-commitment to the relationship]. In truth, it’s the shared journey and the commitment itself that is the relationship.

    How many movies have been made where (usually a woman) gets a mid-life vision, starts pursuing a noble goal, and then eventually divorces her husband for not supporting her? The audience is supposed to cheer her newfound ‘freedom and purpose’. [Usually she gets a new man by the end, too, who 'understands her better'].

    When you marry you do not stop having desires or dreams – but those desires do become one with another person. If you wanted to go to Paris before you got married, and he wanted to go to Rome, that might turn into a love of travel for the both of you. Or, you might for economic reasons never go farther than Canada. You are both on the same path, fed by both of your hearts and both subject to God. [And the man is in charge of leading the household, so he does have the tendency to set the general direction, with input from his wife and respect to her heart].

    If either one of you separates out and demands that their former desires or current desires be dominate, then it would damage the marraige – as easily as returning to a love of sin damages our covenant relationship with God.

    And most men enjoy discussion and friendly debate, even if you disagree [unless they are conflict-avoidant personality types]- but not public ridicule, not in front of the kids, not when its an attack, etc. But if you tear someone down, especially in front of their peers, then they lose face. It’s exceedingly important to apologize promptly if a disagreement turns into you ‘correcting’ them in a condenscending way or making them look bad. Don’t nag! Don’t attack! Don’t treat them like they are stupid! And if you respect a man’s opinions and listen to them fully, whether or not you are persuaded, he is very likely to respect you and your opinions back.

  52. My first husband died when I was but 29 and when I asked God to spare me of the dating game and send me the right one first if I was to remarry I found the answer to my prayers and remarried in 2 years….then we discovered he was bipolar….explaining some issues we faced early on. I was placed in the role of wife, which I knew well and loved, but had a hard time drawing the line as his ‘monitor’ psychologically and still being able to give him the respect he needed as a man and a husband and father to my and his child! His condition is well under managed control but the residuals of years of not knowing he was bipolar still plague him, leaving us in financial struggles and socially scarred. This book may help me settle my unrest with mistakes I have made!

    • WOW. Penni – I love to hear stories like this – it just confirms for me once again that God created the book – it literally flew out of my fingers in less than a month. He brought stories and Scriptures to mind. Amazing what God can do!! Wow again. This speaks volumes to your heart, girl!
      Love to you,

  53. 2 years ago
    Nena Roberts says

    My first marriage was abusive, mentally, emotionally and physically. We went for biblical counseling and the first (and only session) resulted in the counselor handing me a book titled “How To Be a Submissive Wife”. There should have been only one page in the book that read, “sit down and shut up” , because that’s what it amounted to. As a result of that one session my husband became more abusive.
    Clergy, churches and Christian counselors NEED to hear what Nina Roesner has to say.

    • I’m so sorry, Nena, that you went through this. The outcome should have been expected by your clergy. Yes, we need to respect, yes we need to submit, but we need to understand what that means, AND we need to recognize that our husband is our nearest brother – which means we can confront his sinful behavior towards us – and I realize you probably haven’t heard that before, and I’m taking heat for saying it, but I believe it is true. And I don’t believe it flies in the face of submission. Love to you, dearheart. We have a resource on our blog for abused women – I hope you find their stories encouraging. God may tell you to leave, He may tell you to stay – but no other human is going to be able to give you that guidance, only the Father.

      • 2 years ago
        Nena Roberts says


        If you’ll re read my comment I stated this experience was with my FIRST marriage. :-) My first husband left me and our two small children and I consider it a God thing. That’s when I focused on loving Jesus and told Him I was never getting married again! Ha! But God had other plans and brought my second husband, a Godly man into our lives 17 years ago. We are blessed beyond belief. This marriage is different because I respect my husband, he loves and treats me as he loves God and the church.

        God can change husbands, I believe that wholeheartedly. BUT, there’s always a big but! Ha! But,the husband has to be WILLING to allow God to change him and the marriage. It takes “two to tango” so to speak.

        I am so looking forward to reading your book and praying that lives will be touched and marriages restored. Thank you Nina, for allowing God to use you!


        • Nena -
          Ah! Sorry I didn’t catch that! You are right – It does take two – and we don’t know the timing of anything – but God does! I love that you can find the blessing in the middle of the hardships. FEW WOMEN GET THIS – that whether we are Christian or not, WE WILL HAVE TROUBLES – and yet, when we follow Jesus, we have a relationship that gives us hope, comfort, peace – all in the midst of horrifying circumstances sometimes. Good for you for seeing God is good, all the time. I catch heck sometimes for saying it, but He allows our sufferings, sifts them through His hands – if I do not trust the Word on that, then we have a weak God, and that is simply not the case. He has learning for all of us in the midst of our trials – sometimes just so we can bless someone else, and often because we have learning of our own to do.

          I LOVE connecting with other women who know Him. So privileged to visit with you today! :)

          Love to you,

          • 2 years ago
            Nena Roberts says

            I so agree! I have a dear friend who for 30 years, whenever I go through trials and hard times she always asks, “Nena, what does God want you to learn from this?” My friend is very wise. :-)
            btw, when you start touring the country be sure and put Santa Fe, NM on your agenda!
            Have a blessed weekend,

  54. 2 years ago
    Jodi says

    another GREAT book on this topic is The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. VERY practical tips to change the way you view your marriage and your husband. I am on my 3rd time reading it in 1 month.

  55. I would love to hear testimony to what happened in the lives of women who have read this book. What Nina Roesner describes as her motivation for writing this book is so familiar to me. I can’t wait to read it.

    • 2 years ago
      Nena Roberts says

      I agree Michelle.

    • 2 years ago
      Katy says

      Michelle – I have read the book and keep it readily available at all times. God has done an incredible work in my life, allowing me to live in peace in places I used to only know struggles. Nina has so much information and encouragement available on Facebook and her blog. I recommend this book to any woman married or who wants to be married some day. My husband and I have decided to start giving this along with The Love Dare as wedding gifts.

    • Ladies, please check out our blog pages – particularly for testimonies – even when it seems to not impact the marriage. :) SO glad you are here! The page also has about 50 reviews of the book.
      Love to you,

  56. I’d love to check it out! Enter me, please!

  57. I would love to share this book with my womens bible study group. We are studing John written by Beth Moore. Is would be a great sharing tool for these women of all ages. We have this golden rule, that what is said in our group stays in our group. I am looking forward to this new study with Beth.
    Thanks and God Bless

    • Marlene – We have the SAME RULE for our classes! Brilliant! Hope you win!
      Love to you,