Have you ever, in the heat of the moment, said something that you later regretted?
Chelsea and I got married twelve years ago. A few months prior, we went through premarital counseling, which is supposed to prepare you for marriage. As if anything could prepare you for marriage.
By the way, my favorite question to ask engaged couples is “Are you ready to get married?” Typically, the guy opens his mouth and says, “Yeah!” And you know for sure he is most certainly not ready.
But in an attempt to be ready for marriage, Chelsea and I read a book called The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. It was very helpful.
Dr. Chapman says every person has one or more “love languages.” We show our love for others using these languages, and we also feel loved when other people use the language we prefer. The five are: acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch, and quality time.
Everyone has a top love language, says this book, and then we have maybe a top three. My top three go like this: words of affirmation, touch, and then touch me again. I bet some men can relate.
Growing up, I was very influenced by my mom and my older sister. My mom’s top three love languages are acts of service, acts of service, and acts of service. No question. My sister is also very easy to figure out: it’s gifts, gifts, and gifts. Since these were the women I grew up around, I started to think, That’s what women like: acts of service and gifts.
The Five Love Languages also says, and it seems true to me, that we tend to dispense the kind of love we desire. So here I am in the first year or so of our marriage, just pouring on words of affirmation. And I’m trying to touch my wife, you know, and we’re playing tag. And I’m giving her gifts and I’m buying her things, and it doesn’t seem to be resonating.
One afternoon, things came to a head.
I came home, and I must have been playing golf or something. I’d had a good round, and I was thinking, This is going to be a great night. We’re going to make dinner, then we’re going to make something else, and it’s going to be a great night.
So I walk into the house and I immediately notice that Chelsea seems a bit distant, a bit put off. And finally, I start asking, “Babe, is anything wrong? What’s wrong?”
“No, nothing’s wrong. Nothing.”
Now, when a woman says nothing is wrong, it means everything is wrong, but she just doesn’t know where to start. I’ve found that out the hard way, so trust me.
“Nothing.” Yeah, right.
So I keep pressing. “No, babe—honestly, what’s wrong?”
Things start to escalate. She’s so emotional. I’m reasonably stable, you know, but she just loses her emotions. Okay, maybe it’s the other way around.
I keep prying. My voice might have entered another octave. “I mean, come on. What did I do? What did I do?”
“It’s not what you did.”
Now I’m like, What? So it’s who I am? And I’m so confused. It’s like she’s giving me signals, and I’m not figuring them out. I’m getting more and more frustrated, until finally she just spells it out for me, because I’m a guy and I need that.
“I just, I just feel like we don’t get enough time together.”
“What do you mean? We’re together right now. We sleep together. We live together. We eat together. I mean, what more do you want?”
“We don’t get enough real time together.”
That’s when, in the heat of the moment, it came out. I don’t know if I meant to say it, but it just slipped out.
Fast-forward for a minute. Recently, I was preparing a message and I told Chelsea, “I need an illustration of when I said something in the heat of the moment that I regretted.”
Without hesitation, she goes, “Oh, I know! I know just the one. Why don’t you tell the church about that time twelve years ago, when we were in the living room of our house, and you said, ‘Why can’t you have any other love language than quality time?’ Tell them that.”
“My God, woman, get healing! You need counseling. That was twelve years ago. I’m a better man.”
Which means, “I don’t say things like that anymore. I just think them.”
Just kidding.
Not really.
Back to our newlywed experience. “We don’t get enough real time together,” my bride says.
“Really?” I’m exasperated by now. I mean, my emotions are at a high. “Really? Can’t you have any other love language than quality time? Be like my sister—you give her a gift, and you don’t have to spend time with her for three months. How awesome is that?”
It didn’t go over very well. I’m still paying for that one.
Maybe you’ve done it too. You’re in the heat of the moment, and you don’t mean to, but something wells up inside, and you blurt it out. The Bible says that out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. Sigmund Freud said the same thing, but he used bigger words, and now we call it a Freudian slip.
When you’re in the heat of the moment, typically what you really believe comes out. What you really want to say slips out, and you can’t get it back. It can be painful or embarrassing, but it can also be revealing.
Excerpted from the book Jesus Is ___.: Find a New Way to Be Human © 2013 by Judah Smith (Thomas Nelson, Inc.) Used by permission.
Order your copy of Jesus Is ____. here. About Judah
Discover more about Judah’s book Jesus Is ___.: Find a New Way to Be Human here.
See Judah at Women of Faith Believe God Can Do Anything!
He’ll join the Women of Faith team in several cities. Will one of them be a city near you? Find out here.
About Judah
Judah Smith and his wife, Chelsea, are the lead pastors of The City Church in Seattle, Washington. They were youth ministry pastors for ten years—ranked as one of the top five “most dynamic” youth groups in the country by Ministry Today—before stepping into their new role in 2009. Outreach has recognized City Church as being one of the fastest growing churches in the country. It has four satellite locations orbiting the Seattle, WA metropolitan area. Judah is in high demand as speaker, both in the U.S. and abroad, is the author of several books including Jesus Is ___., and is a popular voice on Twitter (@judahsmith). Judah and Chelsea have three children: Zion, Eliott, and Grace.
Comments
Hmmm…I’m not sure how I feel about this entry today. I’d like to offer encouraging words and praise you for the message you have shared. However, I didn’t get any warm and fuzzy or biblical references from this blog post at all.
The message didn’t even share the final resolve between husband and wife. How was this finally addressed? I’m sure many people reading this would have liked to know.
Even though I can say things in the heat of the moment to my husband, I fully realize that words can cut deeper than any apology will ever repair. I ask God to guide my words, especially when things can get heated.
What Judah said to Chelsea was along those same lines. I can’t imagine how she felt being compared to a sister that was satisfied with a gift and then not acknowledged for months to come.
I pray that Judah and Chelsea were able to reconsile after such hurtful words. I think this entry was greatly lacking in any sort of life lesson or how GOD guided this author. I am very familiar with the love languages and I feel there is far more meaningful information from the concept that could have been shared with this audience.
I agree Danielle. I recently heard a very well-known pastor lead the audience right up to the water and as you’re thirsting for the conclusion he says, “if you want to know more, get the book!” I didn’t
Thanks for today’s entry. I am not familiar to the love language reference, but have studied many sources on communication, personality types, brain research and other sources that attempt to explain the differences between people’s needs, wants and actions. As with this post, they are all human resources used to explain things we want to understand in a way we can relate to; and as such I put them through my faith filters.
What I liked and need to hear sometimes is that my husband is really responding to me very similar to the way other men respond to their wife! It helps me to keep my own thinking less me centered. It also helps me to remember to ask God for the words, thoughts and actions to truly love my husband as God intended. (These can be some very pointed discussions sometimes, but at least they are directed at the source that can really help me grow!)
@Danielle, a dear friend (now in heaven) corrected me one time when I got on my high horse about a song on Christian radio that didn’t mention the name of Jesus. I was thinking that it should have been more….well – “Christianeee” and use more “Christianeese” He gently reminded me that not every song has to be about salvation, but that all gifts (music, teaching, preaching, etc) of the holy spirit are given for the edification of the body and perfection of the saints. I think what Judah did here was open a door into his Christian marriage, so that people who may be struggling can find hope and similarities. I think churches/christians often don’t talk about the day to day practical life enough and so people are disconnected and feel isolated in their problems. Paul gave practical advice to the churches as well. Sometimes, he even shared that it was his own opinion – not the Lord. As for the final resolve – after 12 years they are still happily married. That fact should give hope to any young married couple struggling with learning to love and communicate in a way that honors God.
I thought this was a great post!
Very real and connecting.
I got the feeling that Judah now recongnizes how his thought process was faulty and has learned from the mistake. I’m guessing he and Chelsea have a rewarding relationship partly because of him being willing to learn new ways of thinking and new ways of connecting.
It’s refreshing to read something so real and not edited to be “more Christian”.
WOW!!! This similar situation just happened to me and my x…….boyfriend. We are both Christians but that is besides the point. We have been having problems with trust and he wanted to take a break. Normally I’m submissive and think about what I’m going to say before I say it, but not this day. Needless to say we are not on a break he called it quits completely. When I look back I notice we didn’t pray before we talked, we didn’t invite Jesus into our conversation, and there is a lot of “what ifs” in my mind. It is awesome to read something that I can relate to but see that forgiveness and grace can conquer all. God bless these two!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!