EXCERPT
The test had been announced in advance, which meant the students had the chance to study and come to class well prepared. Test papers were handed out, and the college exam commenced. The room was silent, except for the scratching of pencils and the occasional tapping as a student tried to figure out an answer. Until the last question. One by one, as students reached the end of the test, they read the final question with consternation. Some grunted in disgust. One student exclaimed, “You’re kidding, right?” Another asked, “Does the last question count toward our grade?” It had to be a joke.
“Yes, it does,” replied the teacher, somewhat tersely.
When all the papers were handed in, the professor finally explained. The last question was, “What is the first name of the man who cleans our school?” Virtually every student had been stumped. All of them saw him almost every day. But his name? If kids spoke to him, it was usually “Hey, dude.” Few students knew his name was Otis.
The professor told the class, “As you go forward in life, you will meet many people. All of them are important. No matter what their position, everyone you cross paths with deserves your attention and respect, even if all you do is just smile and say hello. Especially the people you see every day.”
I heard that story years ago, and its impact has stayed with me. No one is too unimportant to be ignored. No one is so significant that others don’t matter.
DO UNTO OTHERS . . .
It’s a ridiculously simple concept and the first step in the Power of Respect: acknowledging the existence of another person. We all can rattle off a dozen platitudes about it. Walk a mile in their moccasins. The Golden Rule—“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Put yourself in their place. Whatever way you say it, when you do it, incredible things can happen.
Doing that brought about an enormous change in Candice Harris’s life. She was a young woman in her early twenties, working hard to make it on her own in Atlanta. Growing up, Candice never heard anyone say, “You can do it.” She has no recollection of anyone ever encouraging her or pushing her to excel. Candice grew up in a world of lowered expectations. She had never felt she was very important—either at home or at her school. She says her family didn’t expect very much of her and made a point of letting her know that. They actually said it to her. Candice told me, “It was like, ‘This is the extent of what’s possible for you.’ I felt like it was a good thing if I was small for them.”
“You mean like out of the way?” I asked.
“Yeah, like, ‘Just keep quiet. Don’t make demands. We can only do so much.’” That was especially true when it came to Candice’s teeth. They were uneven with huge, noticeable gaps between them. Braces could have solved the problem, but growing up, Candice says she was made to feel she wasn’t worthy of them. “My teeth were left that way as a child. Almost like, ‘You are not worth the extra dental bills for getting this fixed,’” Candice told me. She continued, “That was even more of a hindrance for my confidence than what my teeth looked like.”
Candice paused before she continued. “I never quite believed any of it, or I wouldn’t have left home so young.” She moved away from home when she was only seventeen and settled in Atlanta two years later. She was a determined young woman, but everything was a struggle. She says it took her a long time to learn some of the basics, like how to rent an apartment or open a bank account. By the time she was twenty-one, she was working as a waitress, dating a not-so-terrific guy, and still hoping to scrape together the money she’d need to get her teeth fixed.
About this same time, Dr. David Garber went out to dinner with some of his business partners at a restaurant in Atlanta. They noticed their waitress, an attractive young woman in her twenties who never seemed to smile, no matter how funny their jokes. When the waitress spoke, they noticed huge gaps between her teeth. Candice was their server. She thought the men were leering at her—like they were “dirty old men.” As it happened, her customers were dentists in partnership with Dr. Ronald Goldstein, one of the world’s leading innovators in cosmetic dentistry.
The dentists persuaded Candice to come in for a consultation. She was painfully shy about how her smile looked. In fact, she was so shy that it was difficult to get her to even smile so Dr. Goldstein could take dental photos for evaluation. There was no way Candice could afford the kind of dental work that would give her a smile she’d be proud of. In fact, ironically, she had made inquiries just that week about trying to obtain credit to pay for the procedure.
Dr. Goldstein isn’t just any dentist. He pioneered many of the techniques in cosmetic dentistry and literally wrote the book on aesthetic dentistry. His scholarly articles have been widely published. But Dr. Goldstein, who graduated from dental school in 1957, has made a lifelong practice of providing dental treatments to those who can’t afford it. He told me, “It’s just something in my brain. If I see people who need help, and they can’t do it and I can, well, I would lose respect for me if I didn’t do that service for them.”
Dr. Goldstein and his team, including dual-degree specialist, Dr. Garber, and orthodondist/periodontist and implant world authority, Dr. Maurice Salama, provided their services pro bono. They created porcelain veneers large enough to fill in the gaps in Candice’s teeth and reshaped uneven surfaces that marred the teeth on her lower jaw. When the work was finally done, Candice was given a mirror to check out her new smile. She was overwhelmed with emotion. Smiling was no longer a problem. Wiping away tears, she couldn’t stop herself from smiling.
For Candice, it was the beginning of monumental change. In the past, every picture of her showed a young woman with sad eyes, smiling with a closed mouth. Now she grinned spontaneously. She started to like herself and took charge of her life. She dumped the lousy boyfriend, enrolled in college, and last December, Candice graduated with a degree in finance and a whole new perspective on what her life could be. Unlike most graduates in the class of 2009, Candice landed a job in a law firm within three months of getting her diploma.
The Power of Respect ignited by a smile.
For Dr. Goldstein, it’s all about helping people to like themselves. He told me, “It is very difficult to expect or even demand respect from others if you don’t respect yourself. When certain people are so terribly embarrassed to smile because they hate their smile, it can and many times does, start a downward spiral domino effect.”
Candice doesn’t agree that the changes in her life came just from the difference in her appearance. “I don’t think that I support the frame of mind that if you cosmetically fix something it will give you the tools you need. It probably gave me a few more cards in my deck to deal with things, for sure. Maybe I look the part more.” The biggest change for Candice is confidence. Confidence that came from the respectful and altruistic acts of people who were strangers.
“When I break it down, having these men do this thing that meant something to them probably made more of a difference than just the cosmetic change. They were just good-hearted men who said, ‘We care for you, and we want to see you have a better life.’” Even more, they believed in Candice, something she hadn’t always had in her life.
“He had, and to this day, has such high expectations for what’s possible for me,” Candice says, with a hint of wonder in her voice. “I just don’t want to disappoint Dr. Goldstein.”
Don’t worry, Candice, you haven’t.
“She is an amazing, amazing young woman,” Dr. Ronald Goldstein gushes. It’s been several years since Goldstein and his team reshaped Candice’s smile, but he’s as excited today about her transformation as he was the moment she first looked in the mirror. In fact, if such a thing is possible, the impact on the man who provided that gorgeous smile might actually be stronger than on the young woman who received it. He says it’s all the Power of Respect.
Excerpted from The Power of Respect. © 2009 Deborah Norville. Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Thomas Nelson. Used with permission. All rights reserved. |