Women of Faith
Moms of Teen Boys – here is your group.
I didn’t realize Boys were as emotional as girls when it came to teenage years, until I had a 14 year old boy. Anybody else experience this? Any suggestions on how to get them through their hormone stage?
I have two teenage boys 18 and 15. My friends with teenage girls have always told me how lucky I am not to have the drama but my boys don’t talk. They grunt if I get response at all. How do you get your teenage boys to communicate.
I have an 11 year old son who is also beginning this stage. You never know what the emotions are going to be.
Yes I just posted sharing that my 16 yr. old is like a yo-yo at times. We clash, yet I have to learn to give him space. Unfortunately he is going through his roller coaster and so am I regarding at times the big HOT FLASHES. I at times give him like 5 chores all at once, so I have to learn to back off. I do not want to end up being this controlling MOM that yells. If a husband is in the picture or a good male role model from church or school that also helps. I was told from a few of his teachers from school conferences that he is respectful and polite and also has a lot of girs that are friends. So that is a good thing. I find that when I cook something really good like a big pot of soup that stimulates great conversations because he is out of his room. They tend to stay and hibernate like bears do in their rooms. I try the best of my ability to not always use FABREEZE SPRAY because his room gets kind of stinky at times. Maybe cook together or once a week get together and make home made pizza. That way they are a part of making something really good and eventually communication starts. .
lol. I wished my son was less emotionally expressive at times and yet other times more so. I think it is reasonable to suggest that we all communicate our emotions but males and females often do so in different ways and each of us in fact does so in a different way. Besides raising a boy, I also worked at a residential facility for emotionally and behaviorally-challenged youth. Here are some suggestions specific to boys that some of you might find helpful.
Research has shown that boys are more likely to be kinesthetic learners. In other words, physically involving their body helps them remember and make connections. In related studies, researchers discovered that boys bonded with each other and reported more positive feelings when they participated in a physical activity side by side and discussed common interests. Boys also are likely to enjoy competition as a way of defining themselves in relation to others, not necessarily needing to out-do everyone. Girls usually, on the other hand, are more likely to learn through observing and hearing, prefer discussing people and feelings, experience too much activity as a distraction to bonding, and more readily allow the outcome of competition to affect self-regard. So, step one to increase communication with your son is to find activities to share with him and friendly ways to compete. Step two is to provide appropriate emotional vocabulary to your son based on observation.
How does that play out? Well, grab a basketball and ask your son to shoot some hoops with you. If you aren’t too great of a shot, pump his ego by asking for some pointers, then challenge him to a game of HORSE if he lets you have a handicap – an extra shot or he starts with HO for example. Ask him what he likes to do, anything he’s curious about, jobs he’s considered, his opinion about whatever. Do your best to find a commonality. If my son said, “I think it would be really cool to go deep-sea diving,” I’d say, “Neat. I used to like studying the tadpoles in the river by my grandparent’s home growing up.” I wouldn’t say, “Oh, that would freak me out. What if a shark came? I’d be too scared” even if I was thinking it and would say that to a girl. Meanwhile, the whole time, we are shooting baskets and I’m not trying to look him in the eyes. Then you might say, “I noticed your shoulders relaxed and you kind of paused as if you were imaging it. You’re eyes sparkled and you were smiling. I’m guessing it makes you feel excited and happy thinking about it. If that’s true, maybe we can try to learn about how to make it happen.”
Or if you want to broach an unrelated topic, just keep the rhythm of the activity going and say something like, “Your shoulders and face look more relaxed tonight than they did last night when you got off the phone with your buddy, Mike. You were really quiet and I noticed you had your fists clenched. It seemed like you were angry and maybe hurt. I may not have any solutions for you, but if you are having a problem with Mike, sometimes talking it through out loud can help and I’m willing to listen if you want.” I wouldn’t say, “Honey, I’m worried about you. You’ve been really withdrawn. Did you and Mike have a fight? It scares me when you get all quiet and angry. Why don’t you tell me what happened and we’ll figure out a solution together. Please don’t shut me out.”
One last note, research has also shown that more and more kids have underdeveloped limbic systems in their brain. This is the area that governs emotional expression and regulation. Limbic bonding, a technique taught as part of Parent-Child Interaction Therapy, can help develop this area, and while most helpful the younger it is employed, is still beneficial even in later years. To engage in limbic bonding, you merely set aside 15 minutes per day during which you participate in an activity that does not involve competition or following directions. Art and building are the most common activities. The activity should not determine if something has been done correctly or who the winner is. The parent is instructed to make summary observations of what the child is doing. You also express admiration and appreciation, while avoiding critique and questioning. The goal is to strongly reinforce that the child is a unique and valued individual. Seek to label behavior with positive personality descriptors. For example, one day my son and I have started building a box from scrap wood to put his sports equipment in. I notice that he keeps picking up the nails that fall on the ground. I’d say, “You are so conscientious. I noticed how you’ve been keeping the nails off the ground so no one steps on them. Your co-workers will be lucky to have someone working with them who cares about their safety. And I really appreciate how responsible you are being by helping to keep things tidy. You are smart to not let it all pile up to the end when you are likey to be more tired.” Well, I’m wordy, but you get the idea. Anyway, I hope you find my input helpful. Take care.
My son is also 14 so I know how you fell. I pray and put him in God’s hands.
Thank God we have boys!!! When my 15 yr old son is emotional, I objectively stop the conversation, lower the simmering level, and tell him, your feelings are real, and they are really strong right now bc of the hormones in your body. I try to value his feelings and at the same time tell him he’s out of line – if and when he is… This I hope is teaching him to regulate his own emotions when I am not around.
Just like PMS, we have to see it, acknowledge it, and hold our comments while we wait for it to pass, right? If it is clinically dangerous, then seek professional help – just like we would for ourselves for PMDD.
Ya, my 11 yr old is beginning early too. My prayer for him is just that God grabs his heart and makes him sensitive to things of the Spirit. I am so afraid he is too much like his mother and will have to experience everything hard to learn first. Sometimes I think my 7 yr old is more sensitive to Christ than the 11 yr old. These are God’s boys, I’m the broken pot trying to raise them.
Pam McMullen said:
My husband is the middle of 3 sons. We have 3 sons and 5 nephews. My husband says that around Junior High, boys quit talking to their moms (thank goodness my oldest still talks to me), but that they all wake up after High School and talk to their Moms again. I think my 2nd son will be that child. I can offer you encouragement that my husband and his brothers went thru this, and they all have their Mom on a pedestal where she should be now. My husband will talk to his mom for an hour sometimes. All this to say, “they” say it gets better as they grow older…
Michele Gray said:
I’m searching out any kind of help and on going support. I too have a withdrawing 14 year old son. Reading these posts is a comfort and has some helpful suggestions. My son grew up heavily depending on God, now he says He wants a break. He also says he cannot stand me, that I am a person at you hate. He does not care to talk to me, and he says that he cannot find any real relationships with the boys or girls at school. He wants to go go live with his father which is not a good influence. His dad is taking me through court, and I feel fighting to keep him at home, even for his best interest is only going to make him resent me.
Hello! My name is Samantha and I am the mother of 2 young adults who attend Crossover Baptist Church. The youth group they are apart of is taking a very expensive trip to Kenya to build wells for people without water. I love the idea of my children going out into the world to help people especially before one is about to go to college but the price is an issue. The church has done as much as it can to raise the money but is still short $4,500. I am asking that you take a quick look at what they are trying to do and possibly make a small donation towards the project. Anything will be very helpful and greatly appreciated. Please go to crossoverbaptist.com to learn more about the Kenyan Well Project or http://www.gofundme.com/7w1gms to make a donation.
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