RECONCILIATION

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Restoring Broken Relationships

Are you a mother who doesn’t speak to her daughter?

A husband who barely talks to his wife?

A best friend who never answers the other’s calls?

Connecting Imperfect People to Other Imperfect People

Miscommunication, misbehavior, misinformation can unravel the tightest bonds and leave our emotions spinning out of control. Everyone experiences relationship breakdowns because imperfect people are connected to other imperfect people.  The Bible makes it clear that our hearts should be a reflection of God’s heart, which ultimately is a heart of reconciliation.

Courtrooms are full of litigation between families, coworkers and friends. You probably haven’t escaped the pain of a broken relationship. This pain is universal, dating back to the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve, through sin, broke fellowship with God. We’ve been in need of reconciliation ever since.

We’re all accountable for how we interact with others. If you refuse to take responsibility for your actions, you’re asking for trouble. While you’re never responsible for another person’s heart, you have a God-given duty to evaluate your own, deal with unresolved anger, and humbly ask forgiveness.

Don’t allow hurt feelings to alienate you from loved ones. Be aware, however, that reconciliation and restoration are not the same. Not every relationship, especially an abusive one, should be restored. In every instance, allow your heart to reflect God’s heart. Ask Him to give you wisdom and patience as you seek peace with others.

“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

Romans 12:17-18

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What Characterizes a Heart of Reconciliation? 

Humility: 

Do I focus on how much the Lord continues to forgive me? 

Self-examination: 

Do I expect change only in others, or do I recognize my own need to change also? 

Forgiveness: 

Do I choose to release my personal rights and allow the Lord to empower me to forgive? 

Confrontation: 

Do I communicate my feelings without accusation? 

Communication: 

Do I set aside quality time to share my heart and have personal interaction? 

Risk taking: 

Do I risk rejection, knowing that God’s love and acceptance will fulfill me? 

Commitment: 

Do I set aside my personal hurt for the sake of the relationship? 

Confidence: 

Do I trust God to heal my heartaches and to meet my needs? 

“The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it.” 

(1 Thessalonians 5:24) 

 

Reconciliation vs. Forgiveness 

Reconciliation focuses on the relationship. 

Forgiveness focuses on the offense.

 

Reconciliation requires at least two people. 

Forgiveness requires only one person.

 

Reconciliation is necessarily reciprocal. 

Forgiveness is not necessarily reciprocal but can be directed only one-way. 

 

Reconciliation is the choice to rejoin the offender. 

Forgiveness is the choice to release the offender. 

 

Reconciliation involves a change in behavior by the offender. 

Forgiveness involves a change in thinking about the offender. 

 

Reconciliation is a restored relationship based on restored trust. 

Forgiveness is a free gift to the one who has broken trust. 

 

Reconciliation is offered to the offender because it has been earned. 

Forgiveness is extended even if it is never, ever earned. 

 

Reconciliation is conditional, based on repentance. 

Forgiveness is unconditional, regardless of a lack of repentance. 

 

Reconciliation necessitates a relationship agreed on by both parties. 

Forgiveness necessitates no relationship at all. 

“Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” 

(Amos 3:3) 

How to Respond When Reconciliation Is Refused 

There are no guarantees that any relationship will be reconciled, so when your attempts to reconcile are rejected, remember ... 

  • If your heart has been repentant, you have God’s total forgiveness. 

“If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” 

(1 John 1:8–9). 

  • Pray for the one who refuses reconciliation—there is an unmet need. 

“Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you”

(Matthew 5:44). 

  • God never leaves you when you suffer the loss of a close relationship. 

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” 

(Psalm 34:18). 

  • Control what you say about those who refuse reconciliation. 

“Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse” 

(Romans 12:14). 

  • Don’t be vengeful—in time God will deal with those who do wrong. 

“Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord”

(Romans 12:19).

  • God will do a work in you that is good in spite of the difficulty. 

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” 

(Roman 8:28).

How to Respond When Reconciliation Is Refused 

There are no guarantees that any relationship will be reconciled, so when your attempts to reconcile are rejected, remember ... 

  • If your heart has been repentant, you have God’s total forgiveness. 

“If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” 

(1 John 1:8–9). 

  • Pray for the one who refuses reconciliation—there is an unmet need. 

“Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you”

(Matthew 5:44). 

  • God never leaves you when you suffer the loss of a close relationship. 

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” 

(Psalm 34:18). 

  • Control what you say about those who refuse reconciliation. 

“Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse” 

(Romans 12:14). 

  • Don’t be vengeful—in time God will deal with those who do wrong. 

“Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord”

(Romans 12:19).

  • God will do a work in you that is good in spite of the difficulty. 

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” 

(Roman 8:28).

 The Heart Test 

  • Do my actions demonstrate love toward my offender?(Matthew 5:44) 
  • Do I speak well of my offender? (Luke 6:28) 
  • Do I do what is right toward my offender? (Romans 12:17) 
  • Do I have a forgiving spirit toward my offender? (Matthew 6:14–15) 
  • Do I exhibit meekness toward my offender? (Matthew 5:5) 
  • Do I pray on behalf of my offender? (James 5:16)

 

How to “Bury the Hatchet” 

  • Prepare your heart for seeking reconciliation. (Colossians 3:15) 
  • Know that refusal to seek reconciliation affects the intimacy of your fellowship with God. (Matthew 5:23–24) 
  • Seek forgiveness and apologize for words that have hurt the other person, be conciliatory. (Proverbs 6:2–3) 
  • Be kind and gentle, trusting God to work in the heart of the other person. (2 Timothy 2:24–25) 
  • Reflect the character of Christ in all that you do. (Galatians 2:20) 
  • Enlist a mediator if necessary. (Matthew 18:16) 
  • Do not hold yourself responsible for the outcome. (Romans 8:28) 
  • Rest in the knowledge that you have done all you can do to seek peace. (Romans 12:18)

 

Key Verse to Learn

“Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”

 (1 Peter 3:9)

 

Key Passages to Read

Luke 15:11–32

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RELATED TOPICS

Anger

Communication

Conflict Resolution

Confrontation

Forgiveness

Friendship

Manipulation

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