It is known as the blended family… too often it is characterized by barriers rather than bonds. A mother or father again says “I do,” and children from previous marriages now living together under the same roof can wish their parent had said… “I don’t.” Challenges abound… sharing coveted space, submitting to new rules and values, struggling to sympathize with shortcomings… so that the blended family trying to follow a recipe for reconciliation might resemble more a concoction of contention.
Think about this, the push for perfection can put undue pressure on the wife or the husband in a blended family. You may think you have something to prove. Perhaps you feel that you must show your ability to hold a family together after divorce or after disunity in some in earlier relationships. With this added pressure there can be a tendency to shy away from problems, or just ignore them all together. You may want to project an image of perfection when instead there is an undercurrent of pain.
Perfection is not part of God’s plan for marriage or family. The perfect mate, the perfect parent, simply does not exist. Only by the power of the Spirit of God living in us can we practice unconditional love with His wisdom to resolve our problems. Isaiah 58 gives this promise, “The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” There’s peace in that kind of promise.
God has a heart… for the blended family. By the power of His Spirit He can break down walls and build lasting bonds, girded together by unconditional love.“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”
“Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.”
Romans 15:7
What Is a Blended Family?
Blended families, with their many challenges, have been around for a long time. They are formed for different reasons. When a spouse with children remarries after the death of a partner, the situation is difficult. But when the family unit becomes a blend of his children, her children, and their children, the recipe for success requires a great deal of understanding and forgiveness.
“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
(Colossians 3:13)
- The blended family is a family unit in which one or both of the spouses have been previously married and bring a child or children to the relationship.
- The word blended means “mixed together.” It suggests a combining of separate units into an integrated whole.
- The stepfamily is a family unit in which at least one spouse has a parental relationship with a child based on marriage, not blood.
Stages of Blended Family Adjustments
- Fantasy Stage ... unrealistic expectations
- The dream of gaining happiness and wholeness through a new marriage
- The dream of marrying a model parent who will love my children
- The dream that I will love my spouse’s children as my own
- The dream that our love is enough to conquer all problems
- Factual Stage ... reality sets in The dream of a unified family life is not reality.
- The children are mourning their lost parent and are not accepting the stepparent.
- The transition to a new family becomes more difficult than expected.
- The problems seem too difficult, accompanied by a strong temptation to give up.
- Fruitful Stage ... growth and maturity
- The realization that a blended family is not ideal; there will always be a unique set of family problems
- The realization that it is going to take the cooperation of both partners to overcome difficulties and make the marriage work
- The realization that it takes time, and it may be years before there are any signs of unity or smooth functioning relationships
- The realization that God will use this blended family as a source of spiritual growth, a means of healing the past and a demonstration of His unconditional love
“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.”
(Colossians 3:15)