CODEPENDENCY

Key Characteristics of Codependency

1. Emotional Dependence:
A codependent person feels responsible for another’s emotions or happiness and is often consumed by the idea of making the other person feel better, even at their own expense.

They derive their self-worth from how much they can give to or do for others, often neglecting their own needs and desires.

2. Loss of Self-Identity:
Codependents often lose sight of their own identity because their lives revolve around the needs of someone else. They may feel like they don’t exist outside of their relationship with that person and often struggle with defining their own wants, needs, or goals.

3. People-Pleasing and Fear of Rejection:
A codependent individual often goes to great lengths to please others to avoid conflict, disapproval, or rejection. This can involve saying yes to things they don’t want to do or suppressing their own opinions and feelings to keep the peace.

4. Enabling Dysfunctional or Addictive Behavior:
Enabling is a hallmark of codependency. A codependent person may make excuses for the other person’s unhealthy or destructive behavior, cover up for them, or rescue them from the consequences of their actions—especially if the person they are involved with is an addict, abuser, or someone with other dysfunctions.
 

By doing so, they inadvertently encourage the other person’s behavior and prevent them from facing the reality of their situation, which can prolong or worsen the problem.

5. Lack of Boundaries:
Codependent individuals struggle with setting healthy boundaries. They often don’t know where their responsibilities end and others’ begin, leading to emotional exhaustion, frustration, and sometimes resentment.

They may feel guilty or anxious when they try to set boundaries, especially if doing so means disappointing the person they are trying to help.

6. Fixing or Rescuing Others:
Codependents often feel a strong urge to “fix” or “rescue” others, even when it’s not their responsibility to do so. This can be especially true if the other person is dealing with an addiction, emotional dysfunction, or abusive behavior.

While the intention may be to help, the outcome is often harmful because it keeps the other person from taking responsibility for their own actions or seeking proper help.

7. Perfectionism:
A codependent person may feel that in order to be loved or appreciated, they must be perfect or meet certain standards. This can manifest as trying to control everything around them, including the behavior of others, to ensure everything is "just right."

What Is Dependency?

Dependency, at its core, refers to the reliance on something or someone else for support, strength, or existence. As human beings, we are inherently created to be dependent. However, the key distinction lies in what we are dependent on. While God designed us to be dependent on Him alone, we often find ourselves depending on other things, people, or behaviors to meet our emotional, physical, or spiritual needs.

In the context of our relationship with God, healthy dependency is a reliance on Him for all aspects of life. This dependency leads to peace, growth, and fulfillment. However, dependency can also take unhealthy forms when it shifts to something other than God—whether it’s substances, behaviors, or even other people.

1. Dependency as a Reliance on God

From the moment of conception to the moment of death, God created us to be dependent on Him alone. This dependency is not a weakness; rather, it’s a fundamental part of our design. God intended for us to rely on Him for strength, wisdom, guidance, and provision. Our relationship with Him is meant to be a constant source of life and sustenance.

Scripture:
“In him we live and move and have our being.” (Acts 17:28, NIV)

This verse emphasizes that God is the source of our very existence. We are designed to be fully dependent on Him, acknowledging that every breath we take, every provision we receive, and every strength we possess comes from God.

2. Positive vs. Negative Dependency

Dependency can take both positive and negative forms, depending on what or who we rely on.

• Positive Dependency: This is the healthy reliance on God, where we trust in His provision, care, and guidance. We depend on His Word, His Spirit, and His love to sustain us. This kind of dependency leads to a life of peace, security, and joy, knowing that God is in control and will meet our needs according to His will.

• Negative Dependency: This is the unhealthy or idolatrous dependency on things or people that can never truly meet our deepest needs. It may involve relying on substances (like alcohol or drugs), behaviors (like excessive work, perfectionism, or gambling), or even people (such as an unhealthy dependence on approval or love from others). These forms of dependency ultimately leave us empty, unfulfilled, and trapped.

Scripture:
“There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.” (Proverbs 14:12, NIV)

This verse warns us that the things we often rely on—outside of God—might appear helpful or fulfilling in the short term, but they ultimately lead to destruction. Whether it’s addiction, unhealthy relationships, or material possessions, these substitutes can never provide the lasting satisfaction or peace that only God can give.

3. Dependency as Addiction

Dependency can often morph into addiction when we rely on something outside of God to meet emotional or physical needs. Addiction, whether to substances, behaviors, or relationships, is a form of dependency that results from trying to fill an emotional or spiritual void. These dependencies might temporarily alleviate pain, but they do not address the root cause of our emptiness, which can only be healed by God's love and presence.

For example:

• Substance dependency (like drug or alcohol addiction) is a desperate attempt to cope with emotional pain or unmet needs.
• Behavioral dependency (like gambling or excessive work) can be a way to avoid facing deeper emotional struggles or feelings of inadequacy.
• Person dependency (like codependency) involves placing one's worth, happiness, or sense of security in another person, often neglecting one's own identity in Christ.

Scripture:
“Do not be drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit.” (Ephesians 5:18, NIV)

This verse contrasts worldly dependencies (such as alcohol or substances) with the life-giving dependency on the Holy Spirit. When we seek fulfillment in the Spirit, we are filled with true peace, joy, and strength, rather than temporary relief that leads to destruction.

4. The Heart of True Dependency

True dependency is not about relying on anything other than God, but it’s about acknowledging that He is our true source. When we learn to depend on Him completely, we recognize that everything else in life flows from His will and provision. This dependency nurtures our relationship with Him and strengthens our faith.

Scripture:
“The Lord is my shepherd; I lack nothing.” (Psalm 23:1, NIV)

This verse encapsulates the heart of true dependency: when we depend on God, we lack nothing. God provides for our every need, guiding and protecting us along the way. When we turn to Him first, we find everything we need to live a fulfilling, peaceful, and purposeful life.

Choosing Healthy Dependency

God created us to be dependent on Him alone, but in a fallen world, we often seek to meet our needs through other means. It is essential to examine what we rely on in our lives and whether it aligns with God’s design for us. Whether it’s substances, behaviors, or relationships, unhealthy dependency leads to pain, destruction, and spiritual emptiness.

God’s call is for us to place our full dependence on Him, trusting in His provision and strength. When we do, we find that He meets our every need and leads us into a life of peace and fulfillment. The road to freedom lies in recognizing and letting go of unhealthy dependencies and choosing to depend on God, who is the only true and lasting source of life.

Patterns of Codependent Thinking

Understanding and overcoming codependency involves recognizing the unhealthy patterns in your relationships and replacing them with healthier perspectives rooted in faith. Here’s a closer look at the patterns of codependent thinking and strategies to break free:

Seeking Approval: Relying on others’ approval for self-worth. Believing that your value is dependent on how others perceive you can lead to a constant need for validation.

Fear of Abandonment: Worrying excessively about being alone or abandoned, which can lead to staying in unhealthy or destructive relationships to avoid loneliness.

Enabling Destructive Behaviors: Accepting or excusing harmful behaviors from others, often out of a desire to keep the peace or to feel needed.

Lack of Boundaries: Failing to set healthy limits, leading to overextending yourself and allowing others to take advantage of you.

Taking Responsibility for Others: Believing that you are responsible for other people’s feelings, actions, or happiness, which can lead to neglecting your own needs.

Strategies for Breaking Free

Acknowledge the Problem: Recognize and admit that codependency is affecting your life. This self-awareness is the first step toward change.

Replace Lies with Truth: Identify the false beliefs that fuel codependency, such as “I need others to validate my worth,” and replace them with God’s truth, like “My worth is defined by God’s love and grace.”

Develop Healthy Boundaries: Learn to set and maintain boundaries in your relationships. Clearly communicate your limits and be prepared to enforce them, ensuring that you maintain your emotional and psychological well-being.

Seek Validation from God: Shift your source of validation from others to your relationship with God. Spend time in prayer, meditation, and scripture reading to understand and embrace your identity and worth as defined by Him.

Build Self-Esteem: Work on improving your self-esteem by engaging in activities that affirm your worth and abilities. This could involve pursuing hobbies, setting personal goals, or seeking counseling.

Establish Independence: Cultivate your own interests and friendships outside of your primary relationship. Developing a sense of independence helps reduce reliance on others for your emotional needs.

Practice Self-Care: Take care of your own needs physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Prioritize your well-being and ensure that you are not neglecting yourself while trying to meet others’ needs.

Seek Support: Consider joining support groups or seeking professional counseling to help you navigate the process of breaking free from codependency. Professional guidance can offer valuable tools and perspectives.

Commit to Personal Growth: Embrace a journey of personal growth and spiritual development. Understanding and addressing codependency is part of growing into a healthier and more balanced individual.

Codependency is like a relationship addiction. It creates an unhealthy dependence on others and can lead to being controlled or manipulated. In the Women of Faith resources, learn how you can break free from codependency, how to establish healthy relationships, and how only God can satisfy your deepest needs.

You’ve probably heard about getting hooked on drugs or alcohol or being glued to a slot machine from sunup to sundown, but is it possible to actually become addicted . . . to a person? Sadly, the answer is Yes! Codependency is a relationship addiction. Comparable to depending on false gods that are powerless to help, or depending on a broken water well that won’t hold water, it simply won’t work! With the Women of Faith resources, find ways to break the chains of relationship addiction and foster a renewed commitment to keep Christ first in your life.

Breaking Free from Codependency

Overcoming codependency requires a deep understanding of our true identity in Christ and a shift in how we relate to others. Here are some steps toward healing:

1. Recognize Your Identity in Christ:
   Understand that your worth and identity come from God, not from how much you can give to others. You are loved and accepted by God, and your value is intrinsic because of His love.

   “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.” (Galatians 2:20, NIV)

2. Learn to Set Healthy Boundaries:
   Setting boundaries is essential for healthy relationships. It’s important to understand where your responsibilities end and where others begin. Boundaries help protect your emotional health and prevent enabling behavior.

   “The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty.” (Proverbs 27:12, NIV)

3. Seek Healing and Counseling:
   Codependency often stems from deeper emotional wounds or patterns of behavior. Seeking counseling or support groups can help break the cycle of codependency and promote healing.

4. Focus on Your Relationship with God:
   Strengthen your relationship with God, understanding that He is your ultimate source of love, comfort, and validation. He is the "living water" that can fill your needs, and only He can offer the peace and healing you seek.

   “Jesus answered, ‘Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst.’” (John 4:13-14, NIV)

Codependency is a relational pattern that can trap individuals in unhealthy dynamics of control, manipulation, and emotional exhaustion. By recognizing the signs of codependency, understanding its roots, and seeking healing through God, we can break free from this destructive cycle. Our true fulfillment, security, and strength come from God alone, and by depending on Him, we can create healthier, more balanced relationships that honor Him and our own well-being.